I think he loves me! Then, I will leave and never see him again?

I've always thought of myself as a strong person, like I can deal with any problem that comes my way, all on my own. I'm facing a big dilemma, though, and I can't decide what to do. I'm just gonna say, I'm falling for him! I don't know him that well and I don't get to see him that often, but when I'm not with him, I can't help but think about him. I'm soooo stupid because I promised myself I wouldn't do this to myself. The thing is, I've been trying to protect myself, closing myself off, but he makes it so hard. It's difficult not to feel comfortable with someone who will say anything to make you laugh and likes to makes sure you're okay. We've made it clear, this is not a relationship, we're seeing each other and only each other, and that's what I want.

I know I'm gonna get hurt, I'm already hurting a bit, I'm leaving in two months and will never see him again and I think about that all the time and it makes me soooo sad. Should I end this now before it gets any worse or just see where it takes me. I'm going to Italy in 4 days an all I can think is that I'm gonna miss my day with him. I just want to be with him all he time, which is ridiculous because I'm going to ITALY!!!! I just feel a bit lonely without him. What's wrong with me?

Oh god, there's no way out of getting hurt, is there?

I am so disgusted with myself, it's hard to breath. I pictured it to be this perfect moment, but I feel sick every time I think about what I did. I feel empty and too tired to function. What do I do with myself?

I'm such a FOOL!!!! I don't care how cute the accent is, I will never trust a guy in a disco ever again!!!!!!!!

So, here I am in England! It's weird, yes, that I haven't written in my journal in a really long time, but I've been so preoccupied getting ready for this trip. Now that I'm settled, I'll hopefully have some time to write in my journal. This past week has been a lot of fun, but so overwhelming! I can't get over the fact that I won't be going home for another four months and when I do go home, it won't be winter anymore. Even though I'm not really homesick, it's hard to really ever get settled, living in another country. Aside, from feeling like a freshman all over again, I have to adjust to the British ways of living. It's not at all like going on vacation to visit, I need to, on some level, fit in.

Aside from the whole uneasiness bit, I think I doing quite well. I haven't really started into the college routine, but I've had so much fun. I've traveled a bit, went to a few clubs, and have met some cool study abroaders. Even though I've only arrived just over a week ago, I think this will turn out to be a great adventure.

Well, I'm not going to lie - I'm really proud of myself! Usually when I start a new diet, I set the standards so high for myself so it is impossible to keep up or I just don't start it at all. These past two weeks, though, I've been eating right, drinking a lot of water, and I've gotten to the track many times this past week. I was extremely nervous to go back to college, since I did so well over the summer break, but my mind is beginning to relax. I'm on the right track and hopefully it'll stay that way.

I really don't want to go to WW (code) tomorrow, but I think I should. No matter what the outcome is, good or bad, I need to accept it and start fresh from there. At this point, that is my last resort. I need to accept that I will not always be an achiever and that it is okay to fail as long as I don't get too comfortable with it. That's my choice, I'm going... ugh!

Yesterday was my first day of class and I won't lie, there is a little too much math in my life right now. I'm already psyching myself out in calculus III and we haven't even done anything difficult yet. Foundations II seems okay, but we haven't learned anything new yet. Then, in Physics, my Professor sort of reminds me of Mrs. Zammit (my high school math teacher), so at least I'll stay organized. I guess this semester is going to be some sort of reality check because I had a very lalala schedule last year. It sort of makes me laugh because I can barely make it through this week with my eyes open and these are the type of classes I'll be taking for the next two years. I think , I hope, things will change as the semester goes on. Once I become familiar and confident with the material, I usually begin to enjoy the challenge. However, too much math may just give me too many headaches. On Friday, though, I'm taking a six hour painting course, which I pretty excited about. Yes, it sounds a bit drastic, but think it'll be a nice, relaxing change to end my week, finally getting to use the other side of my brain.

On another note, I have a roommate that speaks! Last year, I passed the semester in silence , so it's a relief to be able to use my voice once and a while. Also, I really like how I decorated my room, which may sound a little bit lame, but it makes all the difference to me. My posters posters are up, my bedspread is new, and I'm ready to kick off the semester.

So, I basically don't quite understand why I haven't written anything in my journal this summer. I believe that there are so many things going on right now, that I'm not exactly ready to sit down and sort through my brain. Also, I don't think that I or anyone else is quite ready to read what I have to say. It's much easier for me to turn down the noise in my head than blast it all at once. Or, of course, I can just ignore it all together.

I'm waiting for that time to come when I can face and accept reality.

We all make decisions that affect us in a large way. How do you know when you have made the right decision? - something good comes from it. What if you're are waiting and waiting for something good to come along, but nothing does? Should you go back, change something in your life, or just keep waiting? Now, let me just think about the waiting part for just a minute. I always seem to be in this waiting state, but I have only noticed bad things come along. Is it just me? I mean, good things have happened, but I never use it to justify a decision. Maybe that is my own fault. I'll admit, I am totally a glass half empty person, is that soooo bad? Of course, I'd like to consider myself optimistic, but I'd be lying to myself. How many of us are truly glass half full.

What really makes me laugh: peoples reaction when they find out the day of my birthday. December 25, what an amazing day, right? "You share a birthday with Jesus, a Christmas baby!" Well, not really, at all. Like many people know, this isn't the actual date of Christ's birthday. We feel as though there needs to be a specific date in which to celebrate the birth of Christ, so we randomly chose (okay I'll be generous - approximated) the day, December 25. What a gosh darn privilege! I guess it doesn't seem so special after all...

My life is going fine. Yes, I've hit some life is going fine. Yes, I've hit some bumps and Igone off courselife is going fine. Yes, I've hit some bumps and I've gotten off course, life is going fine. Yes, I've hit some bumps and I've gotten off course, but I'm only, so I can't dolife is going fine. Yes, I've hit some bumps and I've gotten off course, but I'm only, so I can't do a life is nlife is fine. life is fine. Youlife is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. That life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal wilife is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that Ilife is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad.life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and everyday it gets worselife is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and everyday it gets worse. I don't know anything about myself life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and everyday it gets worse. I don't know anything about myselflife is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and everyday it gets worse. I don't know anything about myself, so when it comes to making a decision, life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and everyday it gets worse. I don't know anything about myself, so when it comes to making a decision, I can't. life is fine. You know, I'm only 20 and yes, I have hit some rough patches, but nothing horrible has happened yet. For this reason, it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that I'm sad. Everyday, I feel like crying and everyday it gets worse. I don't know anything about myself, so when it comes to making a decision, I can't. My reaction to these choices are... life is fine.




- It seem confusing, but it makes much more sense to me, like a stream of consciousness.

"I'm 22 for a moment." Well, not today, but in a week I'll be there - it soooooooooooo feels like that.

Ha, someone has figured it out. You're right, I have this problem with being unsatisfied with my current surroundings. I have this urge to keep on moving. I don't know why I do it. I think part of the reason why I often feel like I want to "start over" is because I feel like things haven't gotten off on the right start. The weird thing is though, everything always get better. While I'm slaving over my laptop, finding a new place to go, things just keep sliding into place: friends, studies, etc.

To build on that though, I've met so many cool people from all my colleges (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) and from home that I've gotten close to, but who I don't keep in touch with. I really don't understand this. Of course, I have a group of friends that will never stop being my friends for as long as I live, but what about everyone else? I tend to make friends quickly, but I don't keep up with it. I act natural and comfortable around people that I meet initially, but by the time a semester ends, the friendship dissipates. Well, I guess I know what to work on.

Aside from the loss of contacts, isn't it natural to look towards the future, always wanting something more? I think it makes me seem ambitious and goal-oriented. It's only normal for people to strive for something greater. I think that it may seem odd for me to have this motive here and now, being so young and only in college, but I believe it will come in handy at a later point in my life. Of course, it is important to live in the "now," but who doesn't look towards the future. I mean, how boring would life be if one didn't have any dreams, goals, or wishful thoughts. That's how people pass there lives quickly, day by day; they anticipate what the next day might contain, how it might benefit or surprise them.

So, all in all, my indecisive rationality is benefiting me. At least that's what I tell myself.

By the way, my journal may be a little bit contradicting at times, but that's life and contradiction happens when people change.

It's not just Lent, the cards are coming together. I won't say too much because I've jinxed it too many times. By jinx I mean I'm afraid to follow through, but this is it. Two days and I'm already feeling better. I just hope this doesn't get out of control because I know it can, I've lived it. I just need to take it day by day and that's it - no goals this time. Haaaa, how did I let it get this far in the first place?

Things can only get better - I think...

DeeDee's Daily Capricorn Forecast

Quickie: No matter how high the mountain is, just keep on walking and you'll reach the top.

Overview: Looking for some new insights about yourself? It's a good time to get quiet and go deep. Your soul has some answers for you, especially when it comes to some much-needed changes in your life.

This is an insane day to handle. I woke up at 6am in Puerto Rico, took a plane to New Jersey, got home and relaxed there for a bit, drove back to school to finish up some homework for tomorrow. Tonight, also, I have a class that I can't really miss. This may not all sound like a big deal, but I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed right now. The weather, the slight time difference, the change in scenery are all messing with me . There are so many emotions stirring in me at the moment, that I can't settle down. I want to sleep!

I have such an exciting day ahead of me. I have one class a t 10, I'm going home at 11:30, packing, and then I'll go to Puerto Rico. How come I can't make myself get out of this chair?

When I feel strongly about something, I tend to be a little bit pushy. Today, it worked in my favor. I was taking this Composition course, up until about 2 hours ago, that I thought that I had fulfilled. The book I was reading, the papers I would be writing, and the class discussions that were held in the classroom felt all too familiar. I had taken two Composition-like course before and I have had a lot of experience in writing. Well, the book that I was reading was amazing and unique, but the discussion felt a little bit elementary. My class was talking about the summary of the novel instead of the deeper meanings. Don't get me wrong, some people in this class were extremely smart, but I felt like I have been there before. So, I took it up with admissions. I was on the phone with the director for about fifteen minutes battling my case. It gave me sort of a high, I felt like I had complete control over the situation. It's amazing what can get done with a phone call. About an hour after I delivered my past course outlines, I had won! The director called me back and explained to me that I had been right and I could drop the course I was currently attending.

What happened next got me a little bit mad. I went to see my advisor to drop the class, which was fine. He is an exceptionally nice man. Then, I was down to the registration office, to drop the class when I confronted a wretch of a woman. Just because I'm young, doesn't mean I'm clueless. Anyway, I began to tell this secretary my situation, when she interrupted me to say that I had to pay fifteen dollars because the drop date had past. I told her that my advisor sent me down here, telling me that it had been taken care of (It makes sense, it's the schools fault after all, why should I have to pay for their mistake). She continued on with this "dilemma" when I interrupted her, explaining that I was sent to see Ann, I thought. She snipped back to me, "There is NO Ann!" I, then, told her that I did forget the woman's name, but someone was expecting me. She told me that she'd let me speak to Lauren about it. I told her, "Oh yeah, I think it might have been Lauren." This part makes me infuriated! She sighed and said, "Well, if I said Mellisa, it would have been Mellisa. If I had said Judy, it would have been Judy." I seriously was about to give her a piece of my mind! How dare she presume what I would have thought or said. She tried to make me feel less intelligent than she, but I knew exactly what was going on there. She made it seem as if I wanted to drop a class on my own and get out of the payment. Yes, I may be young, but I'm also friendly, honest, and smart. Then, look who walks around the corner, LAUREN. And what did she say? Oh yeah, "Are you Jacquelyn, I've been EXPECTING you." As I walked over to Lauren's desk, I gave the secretary a DeeDee look aka, "the look!" Few people have encountered this look and it evokes a variety of unsettling feelings. All I have to say is steer clear.

Well, I really had to get that off my chest. I've been trying to do my homework, so I felt as though I should clear my mind a bit. One less class to worry about, I guess. Woah, I just spent 2.5 hours yesterday, writing an essay for this class and I'm spending about a half an hour writing about this class in my journal when I have a lot of homework to do. Too bad I didn't bring this up earlier, I could have probably gotten into another class and saved some time. Oh well, these things happen for a reason.